So, there’s only nine more days left of school. god, i am so excited for summer.. only thing I’m not so excited about is that me and jacob broke up /: i told him that i wanted a break because me and him have been fighting a whole bunch. but he took it in a different way and he put himself as single and everything on facebook. it’s been a week and he just started talking too me again and i sorta feel like I’m ruining it all because i keep venting everything too him when I shouldn’t be yah know?
I haven’t wrote in here in awhile so there’s a few things that you’ve missed.
Well, I fought morgan beety on the bus. funniest fucking thing ever. I went up to her while she was listening to her music and I smashed her head against the window haha. then she started punching me and shit. people said that she got more hits on me but I got harder hits on that bitch. In the end of it, I got her by her neck and held it real tight and she got me in the head a few times. I gave her a bloody ass mouth though haha(:
I missed bamboozle this year AND junior prom /: it upset me so god damn much. especially the junior prom. Jacob said he didn’t want to go because he doesn’t know how to dance.. I’m sure there we’re TONS of guys there who didn’t know how to dance yah know? but it’s whatever. I still have senior prom and I am most definitely going to it. wether grumpy Jacob doesn’t want to go or not.
I have something to say that I’ve been thinking about so much and maybe Jacob will read this one day also, who knows. but, this week that me and Jacob haven’t been talking, I’ve been talking to this one guy named Brandon Price. Sweet guy.. not the greatest looking kid but he’s decent. He respected me being with Jacob and having that hope that he’ll come back to me but Brandon kept saying how our relationship ran it’s course. Of course I didn’t believe it, I didn’t want too. but this kid came over and he’s been saying how he’s been wanting to get with me and help me forget about Jacob but when he came over this one day, I felt so awkward. I was kinda attracted to him, not gonna lie. but every time he tried making a move on me, I couldn’t bring myself up to do it. Jacob kept running through my mind. He has this tie on me that I can’t let myself let go of. I LIKE that tie. I like having Jacob have that control over me. but yah know, it wasn’t just that. Being with a difference person other than the person I have been with for over two years just hurts. That different tough, feel, human. I hate it. I love Jacob’s feel and touch and the way he goes about things while we’re making love. I know what he likes and he knows what I LOVE. He satisfies me in every way possible. I’m rambling right now but when I cheated on Jacob that one time with Carlo, I was drunk.. I realized that when you’re drunk, I know it’s not an excuse but I really didn’t have any thoughts in my head about it. until afterwards of course. but being in my bed with Brandon, sober.. just killed me. I couldn’t do it. The stupid thing is, since I wouldn’t get with him, he left. After that, all I wanted was just for Jacob to come over and for us to cuddle with eachother.
I love my snuggleupacous / cuttlefish. GAH , I love you Jacob!
remember morgan, the girl that i made the video with? well, we’re not friends anymore and i can half heartedly blame in on myself and jacob.. jacob has been buying me tons of alcohol lately and that’s only because i always ask him too becauussse i love being drunk! best feeling in the world, but anyways.. last saturday i got drunk with morgan and her friend kaitlyn brown and we we’re just having tons of fun, enjoying the day drunk. i found a blunt on my floor though cuz i guess it fell out of jacobs pocket and i put it in my jewelry box. we all went over too morgans house and partied and then my mom called me and asked if i could help her with something.. so i go over and my jewelry box and the empty bottles of alcohol is on the counter and i was just like ohh shit… lol so my mom freaked the fuck out and told me i can never see jacob again blahblahblah but i guess since i was still drunk, i thought quickly and blamed eveeerything on morgan! my mom knew the blunt was jacobs’ but she decided too throw that out if i told secrets about morgan, so i did too save jacobs ass. wouldn’t you do that for your boyfriend? i asked many people and they said they would. morgan hates my guts though now and i understand.. i told a huge lie that had nothing too do with morgan and i feel horrible about it. but i couldn’t lose jacob…
i could honestly say that i miss morgan a lot though. she was that one friend i could do anything with meaning in like a lesbian kind of way. i was so attracted too her mainly when i was drunk though. but idk… doesn’t matter anymore.
life has been going pretty good so far. (:
jacob finally talked too my mom! so now he’s coming over my house again all the time and coming over after work. soon enough he’ll be sleeping over again! woooooooooooo (: it’s makes me so damn fucking happy that everything between me and my love is finally falling back into the right place. <3
duuuude , i want too fucking kill this girl serena bushko. her and jacob had a thing for a month before he left for rehab. because like i got caught sneaking out and then jacob didn’t talk too me for a whole month because he started liking serena.. and then yah know he went too rehab and came out a whole different person and was in love with me , blahblahblah. well, ANYWAYS.. him and serena still talk and shit and i know she likes him. so he was texting her today? and i was playing around and took his phone but i didn’t even think about looking in it cuz i was just playing around and then he completely tried snatching it from and was grabbing it really tight and he was like “stop i havn’t looked at your phone in awhile” so than i was like WTF? so i told him i was going too look at it and he let me and i saw messages from serena and i knew right away why he was being all shady so i looked through his messages and he asked her too hangout and i started scrolling up more but basically all the messages were deleted besides like 5? so wanna know what i did? i deleted the conversation. and then i deleted her number. easy as fucking that. and if i find out that he got her number back , im gonna be pissed..
sorry that i couldn’t finish my last entry. i think tiara came over so i didn’t feel like writing anymore. this weekend fucking sucked too be honest.
remember in my last entry that i didn’t finish, i mentioned that jacob wanted too have a threesome with me and morgan? yeah well, guess what? it happened. you have no idea how fucking heart broken i am. i am practicly disgusted with jacob i can’t even be normal with him.
this is what happened.. morgan stayed over my house this whole weekend so jacob planned on getting us alcohol for saturday and HE planned on having a threesome with us. so it was like 12:30 and he came over and was all touchy and cuddly with me and shit. and then he wanted too smoke the blunt that he rolled with both me and morgan but morgan didn’t want too so me and jacob went outside and sat in his car and realized that we didn’t even have a lighter. so we’re sitting in there and he’s telling me how he really was looking forward too a threesome but jacob wasn’t able too get alcohol so both me and morgan weren’t comfortable with doing anything. so apparently he was “not excited anymore” which was whatever. so we go back inside and we’re like laying in bed and jacob goes between me and morgan and puts his arm around me and tries too out his arm around morgan but she wouldn’t let him. he asked me too go find a lighter in my moms room and apparently while i was gone he was talking too morgan and was like “you’re really cute” and blahblahblah.. my heart breaks even just writing that. but anyways i get back in the room and lay back down and jacob gets up and turns the light off and hops back into bed but hopped onto morgan. me and morgan just looked at each other and knew shit was gonna go down. but morgan was just like “we need alcohol” and right after that jacob was actually able too get some from some guy in tuckerton. so while jacobs gone me and morgan are like freaking out and are unable too believe on what’s going too happen so we start looking up pictures of threesomes and everything and we started too practice hooking up cuz we never even hooked up before that day! so we started practicing and i don’t like hooking up with her. like she complained every time i started too use tongue? that’s what you’re suppose too do while hooking up with some one, duuhh.. then jacob got back and he bought us a jack daniels honey bottle and two watermelon four loko’s. me and morgan immediatly started drinking the jack daniels and there’s like barely any left lol and we started on one of the four loko’s and there’s like half left. but anyways me and morgan started hooking up and she kept wanting too suck on my bottom lip and so i let her and i likkked it. and then jacob started hooking up with me and everything and took off my shirt. then he started getting on top of morgan and going between her legs, she had her clothes on, and he started hooking up with her. i was just laying there.. that happened a lot.. where i just ended up laying there.. alone.. while they hooked up or something. and i don’t know a lot of what happened because i was drunk. but i remember hearing her moan while he fingered her and trying too get her too finger me cuz of how wet i was. i remember fucking him and going doggy style. i remember crying like 7 times through out the whole fucking thing and getting drunker and drunker. i remember him getting all up in me and normally he bites on my ear and when he did that he was whispering in my ear on how he’ll always be with me and how much he loves me but he told me how he wants too fuck morgan so i was just like whatever go fucking for it. so he did.. and wanna know something? he popped her fucking cherry. my fucking boyfriend popped morgans cherry. what the fuck is she going too tell people? she’ll always remember that. it seriously fucking breaks my heart. and so when jacob texted me today he was like “so did she say anything about yesterday?” i was like “no cuz she barely remembers anything besides fucking bleeding” and he was like “wtf” but the wtf was too knowing that she didn’t fucking remember anything. he didn’t care that she practicly lost her virginity too him, all he gave a shit about was her barely able too remember anything. im seriously fucking disgusted with him. i don’t know what too do anymore. :’( im so hurt and can’t stop crying whenever i fucking think about it.
AGHHHHHHHH, i went tanning at the tanning salon in barnegat two days in a row! now im burnt and for some reason it itches like craaaazy. my boobies are red and so is my ass. my boobs itch the fucking most and my neck! ugh , it’s getting fucking annnnnooooyyyiiinng…. me and my mom bought a 3 month unlimited tanning package so that we can get tan before everyone else (:
so, me and morgan beety have been getting really close. i told jacob how we hooked up but really we’ve only kissed :p it was just funny because when i told him that we “hooked up” he got all excited and shit lmao it was kinda cute but idk. so then jacob kept mentioning too me that he would like too have a threesome with me and morgan. honestly, i would much rather have one with morgan rather than devon scumuallo. so i thought it wasn’t such a bad idea cuz i honestly think morgan is a very attractive girl and she isn’t a virgin anymore so i don’t have too worry about that and she’s 14, so i KNOW jacob won’t ever try too have a “thing” with her afterwards..
ugh, life’s starting too fucking suck again. why does it always have too suck!
me and tristan aren’t friends anymore and honestly, i don’t give a shit. we were in vo, marching. these boys by me were throwing rocks and i thought it was funny so i decided too throw a rock also, btw it was a fucking pebble. so since we were in two straight lines, the rock hit tristan right in the back of the head lol.. she stopped suddenly, turned around and was like “WHAT THE FUCK” cuz i guess she thought it was one of the boys. she made a whole fucking scene and punched the two guys in front and in back of her and ran off too the bathrooms. now, there was absolutly no reason for that outburst. she has hardcore fucking anger problems that i don’t want too get involved with. but, i went into the bathroom and was like “i was the one who threw the pebble, so you need too chill out” she didn’t answer so i just left. when she came back into the class, she apoligized too everybody else in the class BUT ME. so i asked her if she was still mad at me and she was like, “i do not want too talk too you right now tori” and moved her seat lmao. like how fucking childish is that?? I ACCIDENTLY THREW A PEBBLE AT HER HEAD. i didn’t even aim it for her, it just so happened too land there lol. but yeah, i honestly don’t give a shit anymore.
so that same day, i was texting jacob and he said how he broke down his truck from driving into a huge puddle, that’s his own stupid ass fault. the only thing that majorly sucks about that is that truck is his moms baby. i can only imagine how upset she is going too be with him. but anyways, i texted him the whole story about tristan and wished that he was able too pick me up cuz i didn’t wanna be in school. wanna know what he texts back?.. “i don’t give a SHIT about your gossip bullshit” like fucking true? way too be a fucking asshole. i listen too that hoe bitch and complain all the time.. so i told him too not talk too me until he is done being an asshole.. well that was yesterday and now it’s today. i texted him because i talked too tiara and she told me how he’s under a lot of stress and that’s probably why he said that.. well i texted him and he didn’t seem like he wanted too talk too me at all. so i asked him if he wanted too even talk too me and he said no.. i started crying and it hurt me a lot. i don’t even know what too do anymore. i guess i’ll just give him his space and not talk too him. but idk how long i should do that for): im so upset. i just want too be happy, that’s it:’(
it sucks having the feeling of being alone. jacob is doing the same exact thing he did before i got drunk that one night and did something i still regret too this day. im not going too ever do that again because i knew i was wrong too think that jacob was going too break up with me those few days. but i hate it when he does this. why can’t he just fucking talk too me and not make me feel this way? i just want too have a healthy relationship with him but he’s being such a fucking asshole:’(
1. Three things I want to say to three different people.
To the first person, i love you with all my heart. you are my one and only love and always will be. I’m truly sorry for what i did too you but i can promise you, it won’t ever happen again. i know your having a hard time trusting me but im not going too ever fuck up again nor will i ever hurt you again. you are the man i want too marry and build a life with together. i love you jacob buchholtz<3
To the second person, your stupidity pisses me off. your my best friend but you honestly piss me off sometimes. like you didn’t know what day christmas was and you didn’t know who ashton kutcher was… ugh
To the third person, alright i know your jacobs friend and everything but your in jail now until your 20. honestly you were such a great kid and fun too talk too. you would skip 8th period with me and just talk. i found a new article about you and i felt so fucking horrible about it. thank god they didn’t say your name. maybe you’ll still be best friends with jacob when you get out of jail and we’ll have a huge party!
http://lacey.patch.com/articles/2-teens-charged-with-armed-robbery
2. One of my insecurities.
my nose.. i feel my fingers are too long.. I’m too shy..
3. What turns me on.
when the guy grunts or moans in my ear, i like being played rough with, hickeys, when the guy takes control over me.
4. One of my bad habits.
i bite my nails a lot. i’m a picky eater.
5. Who I wish I could be.
I’m fine with being myself.
6. Where I want to be right now.
not here that’s for sure. i want too get out and do something!
7. The last thing I ate.
coookies that i baked!
8. Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately.
Jacobbb ;D
9. What song I’m currently listening to.
I’m not listening too any songs but my favorite song at ze moment is Kyoto by skrillex (:
10. The last time I cried and why.
i think a few weeks ago and because of jacob, of course. it bothers me that he doesn’t want too come over my house, i hate it..
11. Something I’m excited about.
BAMBOOOOZLLLLEE! and i’m getting a puppy soon! :D
12. 5 things I like about myself and 5 things I dislike about myself.
Likes : I looove my body; my eyes; i can be nice; my metabolism; my boyfriend.
Dislikes : how shy I am/socially awkward; my attitude and temper problem; i always worry too much; my chicken legs and long fingers; i wish i wasn’t a picky eater.
13. Three things I want right now.
my puppy!, i want more tattoos and 547 million bucks please!
14. Are you wearing a necklace, who got it for you, where’s it from?
Yes, i always wear a necklace. but this specific necklace im wearing is bought by jacob when we went too the columbus market. it’s an elephant(: i love elephants!
15. How long was your last phone conversation?
1 minute with my mother.
16. What are you looking forward to?
bamboozle and my pupppy!!
17. Did you get anything off your chest today?
yeah, i did. i asked jacob too be in a relationship with me on facebook because yah know, it’s gotta be facebook official! and it’s been four days and he still hasn’t accepted it… and i asked him why and he said “he hasn’t gotten around too it.. like true..
18. How many rings do you usually wear?
i never wear rings.
19. Would you rather go to Canada or California on vacation?
Canada, i wanna go too Quebec (:
20. Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants or pajama pants?
i am currently wearing a cheetah skirt.
21. Do you call it fall or autumn?
i call it falll.
22. Are you an emotional person?
Yes… i cry all the time/: over the littlest things too lmao.
23. It’s 2 in the morning and you get a text message, who is it most likely from?
jacob :p he’s always awake till like 4 in the morning.
24. Do you like long car rides?
i love road trips :D especially when i have my ipod. the only thing i don’t like is when my ass starts too hurt.
25. Do you have an adult you can talk to about anything?
Jenn.
26. Last time you saw your dad?
i havn’t seen my biological or step dad for a really long time.
27. Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle?
i always do in jacobs truck (:
28. Do you do your own laundry?
Yes.
29. Would you like the ability to read minds?
well, sooki stackhouse has the ability too read minds and she hates it, she won’t date any guys cuz of it and she’s a 24 year old virgin (until bill came along) because of the mind reading. so honestly, i don’t know lol if i was able too control it then i would love too have it.
30. Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?
all the time.
31. You’re thinking about a certain person right now, aren’t you?
Yes, because of that last question…
32. What will you be doing in five years?
living on my own nukka!
34. Last 2 people to text you?
Jacob buchholtz and alex chemileiski lol
35. Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?
corrections officer.
36. Do you like to cuddle?
i love it.
37. When angry, do you get loud or quiet?
well, when im angry and im yelling at someone, then i get loud with them. but if something pisses me off and i don’t wanna talk too that person the im quiet.
38. Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed on the lips?
nopee.
39. Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex?
noah fisk.
40. How’s your hair right now?
i scrunched it today.
Blahhhhhhhhhhhhh,
me and jacob are going back out again(: boyfriend and girlfriend!<3 makes me happy. we went too the range a few weeks ago. it was me, jacob and mark. of course neither jacob or mark had a hunting license so we were shooting guns illegally… lol OF COURSE. but it was pretty fun too be honest. i had a little baby gun that shot little baby bullets. jacob and mark got the big boy guns that shot huuuuge bullets lol. they shot a bird! and cut it’s head off! and then when we got back too marks house later they skinned the bird! ugh my god it was fucking disgusting. but jacob wanted me too shoot from one of the big boy guns and i was scared shitless! when i shot it, it came back at me and hit my shoulder cuz it was so god damn powerful….
i finished my HSPA’s today. i honestly feel really proud with myself with my essays and even the math part. i find out what i get in may or june i just really fucking hope that i pass both math and english of the hspa because i DO NOT want too take a class for it next year and then have too retake. if i end up taking a class for it next year then im gonna have too do my vo in the AM which will suck asshole. i like having my vo in the PM because i don’t have an 8th period.
so my counselor made a professional enough note so that i can get a puppy!! i really want a shetland sheepdog really bad. their the cutest dogs ever. we’ll probably buy one off of puppyfind.com cuz they have really good dogs and puppies which i like. some of them are pretty cheap also like $400 which isn’t bad. i get paid 50 dollars tomorrow so im gonna go over too petsmart and buy some puppy stuff(: the only reason i want a shetland sheepdog is because big dogs aren’t allowed in these shitty ass apartments… i’ll get a husky when i move out and live on my own.
